Today is hard. The only father I’ve ever known and I are not on speaking terms. I bought a card for him and was planning on either sending it weeks ago or driving the two and a half hours to see him. Neither happened. It’s still sitting on my desk, inches from my fingers, untouched since I purchased it a month ago.
I wanted to fill it with the words that would reconnect us. That would resolve the remaining anger and alleviate some stress that has kept us apart. But the words never came. I blamed it on, “Oh I’m so busy with work” but that was a poor attempt at an excuse. I tried the, “I am just so tired, I’ll do it tomorrow” but tomorrow came and went several times and still I put off the task.
While others are fawning over their loving fathers I’m sitting here distracting myself so I don’t feel the pain. And at the same time, Ben is going through his own troubles. He’s a father, see, but he’s only seen photos of the now almost one year old. His ex is a poor excuse of a mother (5 kids, 4 fathers). The child was born last October. A boy. The only notification he received was a text two days after the birth that included his name, time of birth, and weight.
Ben didn’t take the news well and as our relationship was still pretty new, I didn’t know how to comfort him. I sat beside him as he read and re-read the text, unsure of what to tell him. As his anger faded, mine intensified. How could she do that to him? How could she take away the child he was trying so hard to be a father to?
And then today. Her Facebook post of, “If you are a biological or step father, know you are loved” or some shit. I think it’s hilarious she hasn’t thanked her HUSBAND for raising someone else’s kids, but hate that she is even letting that scumbag around Ben’s child.
Maybe I shouldn’t be protective of a child I’ve never met, nor have any attachment to. But I’d rather my fiance have his son here and not in the arms of “parents” who move across country to live with her mom because they can’t find jobs.
I thought writing all this down would help. But I don’t think it is. It’s good to be writing again, but this is just bringing up more emotions that I’d care for right now.